If Not For Yourself, Get Dish For Your Children

Antiquated TV Threatens The Nuclear Family Everyday. Let the follow serve as a cautionary tale for you and your family.

“Gloria! Greg! You guys get down here!” their father cheerfully yelled from the downstairs living room. The twins, Gloria and Greg, with uncomfortable expressions on their face, reluctantly ambled down the stairs and stood before their mom and dad.

“Soooo… who’s ready for Family Movie Night?” Their dad pumped his fist into the air repeatedly.

Their mom chimed in, “I popped your favorite Lean Cuisine TV dinners in the oven AND guess what’s coming on…?”

“Look Who’s Talking Now!” their dad yelped with hysterical joy, pumping his fists into the air once again.

Gloria and Greg slightly grimaced, both looking at each other. “Um, I’ve got homework to do,” explained Greg.

His dad gave him a funny look, “But it’s like… Saturday… and in the middle of July no less. You’re on summer vacation.”

Gloria quickly responded, “Um, yeah I’ve totally gotta like re-lace all my ballet slippers for my next recital. So… sorry. You guys take down the talking babies show without me.”

“Gloria, you don’t even take ballet classes,” her mom said confused.

“Mom, Dad, I think you’d both better sit down,” Greg and Gloria gravely told their parents. The twins looked serious. They were about to unload some devastating news on their parents. “Look guys, last night Greg and I went next door to Tina’s house for their Family Movie Night,” said Gloria.

Their parents gasped with disbelief, “No!”

“Yes! And it was the best movie night of our lives!” the twins exclaimed.

Their mother began to quietly sob, “What have we done wrong for you to hate us so?”

“Gloria,” said Greg, “you’d better let me take this one. It’s not you; it’s your cable provider. Tina’s parent’s have Dish Network Satellite television, not this old cable TV that we’ve had to live with in pain for years.”

“Cable is like soooooo 80s,” professed Gloria. “With Dish Network Satellite TV we don’t have to watch that lame baby trilogy, Look Who’s Talking Now.”

Their dad nervously came back, “Well… um… Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 is on TBS tonight…”

“Dad! Stop!” Cried Gloria, “It’s over! We can’t live like this anymore. Dish Network is the only thing that can bring us back together again as a family. With Dish we can record Napoleon Dynamite anytime during the week with DVR and watch it whenever we want, rather than settle for some crappy show with commercials. Family Movie Night can happen on our time, not in accordance with the James Bond marathon or whatever.”

“DVR?” asked their parents.

“Digital video recorder, you can record and schedule programs to record with the push of a button from your remote control. It is DVD quality. And you can even get premium channels, local stations and sports packages in HD,” the twins explained.

“HD?” their mom and dad were even more confused.

Greg put his arm around his dad’s shoulders, “High-definition television, dad. Seeing HDTV is like watching TV for the first time. It is perfectly clear and pristine and perfect for sports and movies.”

“It’s beautiful, mom,” Gloria began to weep with joy. “I love it. And I can’t go back to cable. I won’t go back ever!”

“Look, mom and dad, we are thirteen now. We have needs. We are changing. Our bodies are changing. Television is changing. It is hard enough being teenagers as it is, but without Dish Network Satellite TV, life is unbearable,” the twins pleaded. “You can get great programming packages that will suit all our needs as a family. Dish Network even sends out a technician to install the equipment for free. That means it won’t take anytime away from you edging the lawn, dad.”

“Not to mention, the equipment is free!” Greg was getting excited. “And with the value you get with Dish Network, the monthly charges are even a better deal. That means better allowances for us!” now Greg was pumping his fists in the air.

Greg and Gloria’s parents appeared defeated. They looked at one another and shook their heads. “Well I guess it’s time we get connected to Dish Network or we loose our children to the neighbors.”

The twins jumped for joy. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you,” they cried while hugging their parents.

“All you’ve got to do is check out the Dish Network website on the Internet and it will explain all the packages and deals they have to offer. They can even install the dish with a 24 hour appointment,” a relieved Greg told his parents.

“Great. Alrighty then,” his dad seemed convinced. “But, just one more thing….”

“Sure, what is it, Dad?” asked the twins.

“What is the internet?”

Greg and Gloria turned and headed towards the front door. “We’ll be staying at Tina’s house until Dish Network is up and running here.” They both looked sternly at their parents, “Oh yeah… we have one more demand: This obsession with ‘baby movies’ has to stop. Family Movie Night is upgrading to PG-13.”

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