PARANOID Dish Network Customer

I could barely hear his voice on the phone, although there was something about military camouflage and the neighbors killing him.

“Sir, are you sure you dialed the right number? You’ve reached the Dish Network customer service hotline…” (and not 1-800-PARANOID, I stopped myself from adding).

“Don’t you think I know that,” he snapped angrily. Oh, touchy. Someone was apparently having a bad day. Murderous neighbors do that to you. “I need your help.

“I need to find out how to hide my satellite dish in my living room.”

Now Dish Network can do many things. Give away equipment…provide over 180 channels…throw in bonuses like season tickets. We’re, like, the god of satellite television. But hiding incredibly large equipment under the sofa? Not a topic usually covered in customer service manuals.

“Sir, if I may ask, why would you want to do that?”
Apparently the neighborhood Homeowners Association had a rule against satellite dishes. While normally an upstanding member of the community who hadn’t so much as gotten a parking ticket, the thought of 30 sports channels and 231 NFL preseason, regular season and post-season playoff games was worth the price of breaking a law. Or, at least, asking if our customer service included painting the satellite dish in camouflage colors so it would blend in with the oak trees planted by his home.

“Sir, you don’t have to do that. It’s your legal right to own a satellite television, and your neighborhood association can’t stop you,” I said. In 1996, the FCC issued a Satellite Consumer Bill of Rights, passed by Congress, and which now stands right up there with “freedom of speech” (or at least, freedom to change the channel).

He sounded relieved. “You mean I can get a satellite dish?”

“Sir, you can get two satellite dishes if you wanted, and anyone who thinks otherwise can talk to your lawyer.” I assured him. Ah, I love democracy.

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